Jenna Haze Oil Orgy: A Journey Into the Heart of Darkness

I am just sitting in my office minding my own business, reviewing Lesbian Love Vol. 1 and thanking my lucky stars that one of my employment perks is Peet’s coffee, which means that by 9:45am I am usually within spitting distance of actually being awake. I’m wondering whether I ought to head to the kitchen and make a second batch of peanut butter toast on Trader Joe’s multigrain sourdough, when the universe chooses to lob THIS in my direction:

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Starring Jenna Haze and eight of her horny friends, including Hillary Scott, Holly Morgan and Carlie Banks, Jenna Haze Oil Orgy is like a nasty cocktail party for impossibly gorgeous girls. However, at this party Haze serves up dildos and steamy sex instead of wine and cheese.

The fun begins with the “Meet & Oil Up” portion of the evening. Introductions are made (“I’m Charlie Laine … I’m a professional pussy-licker.”), clothes are shed, and oil is rubbed on ample bosoms. Games follow (“Lick Me”), and the toy-filled fuckfest really gets going. With over two hours of visually superior footage, Jenna Haze Oil Orgy is a must-have collector’s item!

Every time I hear someone talking about Larry Flynt as a cultural hero, I think, “Yeah? You read his press releases.”

Porno press releases are just wrong, wrong, wrong, on so many levels. The porn industry, in fact, is wrong on so many levels, as evidenced by the fact that we can be pitched the Jenna Haze Oil Orgy with a straight face in a world where Topless Tapioca Wrestling already exists. But there’s something just BENT about the press releases, the aped-playful tone offering all the alpha-male crassness without a hint of eroticism. LFP, in fact, is far from the worst offender; their press releases, at least, are professional and follow the format. The worst offenders are the gonzo companies that spew weird porno cliches with a haphazardness that make “I’m Charlie Laine… I’m a professional pussy-licker” sound like the most sublime of flirtations, and “Lick Me” sound like a game played at the the biweekly meeting of the Walnut Creek Dickens Society.

But the most insulting thing about porno press releases, for me, are the industry publication(s) that quote from the worst of them as if they were the Bible. “Is it not written, ‘Hot wet sluts get pounded by hung studs like the bitches they are?'” “Has not a wise man said, ‘This is the finest ball tonguing and chowder sniffing the industry has to offer’?” “Could any truer words be spoken than ‘Massive loads of ball snot coat mammoth hooters’?”

Whatever happened to romance? I miss the days when a few bottles of Boone’s apple wine and a six-hour conversation about The Cure was all the foreplay anyone needed.

P.S. They built a custom 20′ x 10′ oil pit!!!!

UPDATE: Pertinent to my comments above, posted at 11:55 am: http://www.avn.com/articles/292966.html

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