Vampire Vineyards




Vampire Vineyards

Originally uploaded by Thomas Roche

Looking for the perfect libation for that Halloween party of the damned? A simple Google search will take you to Vampire Vineyards, the perfect source for today’s sanguine slurper. Unfortunately, untold phantom terrors await you there. From the company’s home page:

Rumor has it that the Vampire Vineyards are actually owned by a circle of vampires, and the company’s founder, an entertainment attorney from New York, is actually just a front. (Whether he and his convertible were commandeered by a Vampire is still a subject for debate.) We do know however that after satiating themselves for years with their Transylvanian blood of the vine, the powers that be decided to spice things up and migrate westward like so many vampires before them.

Using meticulous advance planning, these vampires planted their rootstock at the dawn of the 21st century in the mountainous region of Paso Robles, California, where the ocean fog frequently rolls in off the coast providing the perfect cover to their hidden vineyards.

I can personally attest to the tastiness of their Merlot, having been gifted with a bottle by a horror writer friend of mine. There are indeed many good red wines coming out of the Paso Robles area, which is where Vampire is located. Other Vampire varieties include Pinot Noir, Pinot Grigio, Syrah, and Cabernet Sauvignon.

Which brings me to the untold phantom terrors: Surely it is as a joke that these so-called blood-drinkers see fit to list among their offerings such unholy abominations as White Zin, Chardonnay and Merlot Rose. This is merely the vampire’s sense of humor, you see. Far be it from the creatures of the night to sully the purity of the grape with… SHUDDER. It is better not to speak of such horrifying transgressions against nature! Besides, dont’ be silly, my friend… white wines are but rumors, just old folk tales, childish superstitions to be laughed at… no, no, white wines couldn’t be real! They could never be real!!!

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